SOUL VS. EGO

March 2016 

Living in a culture that distinguishes accomplishment and achievement as the highest honor and the truest measure of success, it's no wonder so many of us think we are failures and/or are afraid of failing. There is a strong emphasis on what you do, not who you are. We think what we do IS who we are, but it's not. Who we are at our core is stable, what we do changes. 

We're so worried we don't do enough and that who we are isn't enough. We hide behind titles and credentials. Tell me how many cocktail parties you've been to where the very first question upon meeting a perfect stranger doesn't inquire how you make your living. 

Growing up, I became a product of this conditioning. Being raised in a highly educated, competitive, and successful metropolitan area, there was an over-concern with scores and grades and whatever will "look good on college apps." I played along: get all A's, do well, hustle hard, play varsity sports, make captain, always try my very best. My inner perfectionist definitely took over. It's a lot of pressure. At some point, I couldn't play along anymore. I sort of cracked. But I had already learned to attach my worth to my academic performance. So when I stopped performing, I naturally felt like a failure. When I dropped out of college after 1 semester, transferred and failed out of school # 2 and didn't enroll again for years, I really felt like a failure. Throw in some drug abuse & mental health obstacles on top of being a college dropout and I truly believed I was an exponential failure. Society basically told me that not only was I not a success, but that I would NEVER be one. And I don't want to blame society. I also told myself this. 

Over time, I learned the difference between ego & spirit. We all have both, and because of their dual nature, one often overpowers the other and is more dominant. 

Perfectionism, attachment to outcome & results, wanting to get it RIGHT, thinking we are defined by our jobs--this is our ego. Our spirit, our soul, doesn't care about results or what we look like on paper. The ego wants to be "good at it," but the spirit could care less and just loves the process. Our spirit craves adventure and new learning experiences. This is why "failure" is good for the soul. These experiences grow us. We can view every supposed failure as an opportunity, rather than a reason to feel shame or not good enough.  

Oprah Winfrey was one of the first to talk about subjects like this, and she spoke the language of the soul before it was really popular to do so and when I really needed to hear it. I hung onto words that she said during her talk show. When I was in middle school, I used to rush home and tape The Oprah Show on VHS so I could re-watch as many times as my heart desired. Some of her lessons truly shaped me. She said "failure is another stepping stone to greatness." And it is. Failure is just a stone to step on, to learn what you need to learn. 

If we can reframe all our "failures" as opportunities to learn, well, I deem that a success. Welcome failure as your teacher. It means opportunity is at the door. It means something is about to be learned or about to change. Failure is character-building at it's very finest. 

So now I say: fail. Fail greatly.