Don't take what's not yours (including other people's shit) : boundaries
March 2016
Boundaries are for real one of my most very favorite topics. They are crucial to know about and to use. Life-changing, in fact. It was only a handful of years ago that I learned what boundaries were. I was finishing my undergraduate degree in Psychology about 5ish years ago and taking full advantage of the tuition-inclusive individual therapy at the Student Health Center. There was a certain amount of allowed # of sessions per semester---I forgot what it was, maybe 8 or 12. Whatever the limit, I had exhausted my sessions and the therapist I was seeing suggested I switch over to group therapy to continue with my therapeutic work. I pleaded with her to let me stay in one-on-one because I loved her zen ways and she spoke in metaphor. I even offered to pay her. But she kindly pushed me out of my safe nest and said group would be good for me.
I hesitantly entered group therapy shortly thereafter. There were about 5 of us with varying mental health & addiction issues. Every single week this small meeting would spike my social anxiety so high that I literally just sat there profusely perspiring, anxiously awaiting my turn to share, always being the last to do so. One day, the group facilitator announced the theme for that day's group as "boundaries." I think she had us fill out a 20-item checklist quiz about boundaries-- perhaps only to serve as paper evidence of my illiteracy on the subject. I scanned my mind and actually thought about how I didn't know what boundaries were. Utterly clueless. I might have been able to tell you a dictionary definition from rote memorization, but as far as any personal anecdotes for how to use them or how I applied them in my life, they were non-existent.
Up until that point, I had been totally unaware of how often I gave my power away and had ZERO boundaries with people. I was a quintessential people-pleasing doormat. I let others manipulate me, I also manipulated others. I allowed people to treat me however they wanted and usually thought if they were mad or upset, then it was my fault and therefore my problem to solve. I took responsibility for other people's feelings, behaviors, pain, and problems and made them my own. No separation. I made other people feel responsible for my own happiness and well-being too. All of these are a sign of weak emotional boundaries and codependent habits. Red flags everywhere. But I just didn't know any better.
When I started to know better, and embarked upon a study of these topics pertaining to the human condition--between my psychology degree, my health coach training, my yoga teacher training and my own recovery work & self-study-- I started to act better. And I had a revelation about choices, mainly that I have them. In other words, if I stay in a toxic relationship, that is my choice. If I leave, that is my choice. If I accept guilt or anger from someone else, that is my choice. If I guilt-trip another, that is my choice. Freedom of choice is such a beautiful thing. With freedom comes responsibility. The bottom line is this: I am only responsible for myself and my own feelings, and so is everyone else.
There's that saying, "what we allow is what will continue." It is 100% accurate, in my experience. We absolutely teach people how to treat us with what we reinforce and refuse. If I don't want other people to give me their shit, I don't take it. I don't accept shit gifts. I kindly say, no thanks. And walk away. I also try not to give shit gifts to anyone else. I take ownership of my own stuff and let others take ownership of theirs. If they don't, that's their prerogative and that is when I may choose to draw a line & detach with love. Noone has the ability to MAKE YOU FEEL any which way, unless you hand over your rights and let them. This reminds me of another good one-liner, "if you don't want people to drive you crazy, don't give them the keys."
We have to be the ones to set limits, to ask for what we need, to not accept what is not good for us. Noone is going to do it for us.
What is the primary feeling you get when a boundary has been crossed and what do you do about it? Let me know in the comments. I love to hear everyone's unique opinions and experiences.