"somehow the farther along you get into it,
the more warped ones perspective gets.
and the more you want to believe what he's saying
because the alternative is too painful.
you just end up...sort of trapped."
- Sarma Melngailis
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However, compassion and accountability are not mutually exclusive. There are no excuses for bad behavior or inflicting harm on another. Ever. We all have trauma - it is not our faults but it is our responsibilities to break these cycles. Men are entirely responsible for getting on board with the healing movement. I don’t mean the faux spiritual, bypassy bullshit, namaste, we are all one, instagrammable healing movement. I mean real, in the trenches, messy, healing work that no one sees because it happens in the dark between you and you or you and God.
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The task of capturing the raw emotion of a weekend with 500 other women who are all at different points in their own recovery (from a myriad of things including addiction, mental illness, eating disorders, codependency, etc, etc.--many of us, myself included, are recovering from all of these) process seemed way too big a task for me. It feels like one of those events where you don't know what to say except, "you just had to be there."
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More people are choosing the sober/alcohol-free/dry life to enjoy more vibrant health, to be more conscious in their relationships, to experience life, in all it’s beautiful madness, without a numbing agent. Because-newsflash-we don’t need a numbing agent to experience life. Reality is drug enough.
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In simplest terms, codependency is a relationship pattern of losing ourselves in another person and has been called the “disease of the lost self.” More specifically, being codependent involves behavior where there is excessive enabling, controlling, and caretaking within the relationship. It’s worth mentioning here that we all, at one time or another, fall somewhere on the spectrum of codependency.
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Just as much as the holiday season can bring a sense of cheer and generosity, it can also bring a sense of dread and bitterness as we walk into environments that are highly emotionally charged.
This year will be my 6th sober Thanksgiving and Christmas. There are a few things I’ve learned over these last few years that have allowed me to actually enjoy this special time of year and feel jolly during most of it. Or if nothing else, it just sucks less.
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Emotions are messengers, carrying to us information that is essential for our bodies, minds, and spirits to process. How convenient is this? Our very own information-carriers working to help us make sense of the world around and within us. Feelings are not necessarily facts, but they are worth being aware of and paying some gentle attention to.
Read MoreLearning about what Gary Chapman has termed "The 5 Love Languages" has revolutionized my life. When I started to understand, truly understand, that there are various ways to speak love, outside of saying "I love you," my relationships felt injected with pure hope. I began to adopt this much broader view of love and all of it's expressions.
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If you are constantly feeling jealous, it means you’re not taking time to cultivate and appreciate your own gifts & strengths.
And especially important—their compliment is not your insult.
Read MoreEveryone gets their own calls. The question remains: will you pick up the phone or pretend it's not ringing?
Read MoreSocially anxious sober folk: The brain chatter that usually disappears with a drink is going to actually be there, but you have the power to quiet it down yourself. Arrive to the event as centered as possible by having some time to yourself beforehand (i.e. quick meditation/quiet time, listening to happy music on the drive/walk/ride over or listening to a motivational tape, etc.)
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youtube video!
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