Jealousy: what it teaches and why it can be a good thing
July 2016
jealous (adjective): feeling or showing envy (a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck) of someone or their achievements and advantages.
synonyms: envious, covetous, desirous.
The "green-eyed monster", some call it. One of the seven deadly sins. Jealousy is a very natural feeling. We’ve all felt it, especially among women. You see an aesthetically beautiful woman and you want her svelte body, luscious locks, clear skin, perfectly manicured nails, or even her possessions—her successful significant other, her nice car, her great home, etc, or maybe her attributes and skills—her kindness, grace, popularity.
I grew up in the middle of 4 sisters so I have learned a thing or two about catfights and feminine rivalry. At times it has felt like a mini sorority. What I have come to realize is that we can celebrate each other as a collective when we know & develop our own unique individuality.
Jealousy is not inherently an issue, but the acting on it could be. It is the nature of being human to feel twinges of jealousy from time to time. But if jealousy is a daily feeling or it’s intensely strong or it’s causing you to act in a mean and resentful manner, then that’s when it crosses the line into a toxic feeling.
This is where I propose a shift in our thinking about jealousy, and essentially a way to minimize it. Jealousy can teach us 2 things:
1. JEALOUSY TELLS US ABOUT OUR DESIRES. We know that fear alerts us to what we really have to do for our self-development. The more scared and resistant we are, the more the thing will grow us. Well—jealousy & envy come from the same place fear does. They all live together. Being jealous comes from a fear-based belief system including thoughts like “the world is lacking, I am not enough, if she has it then I can’t have it", etc., etc.
So the good thing about jealousy is that it teaches us what we want out of life. The jealousy is informing you about what your desires are. It is merely an indication of what you need to be doing. If you’re jealous of someone for doing something—moving somewhere you’ve always wanted to live, doing something big you’ve always wanted to do, making something you’ve always wanted to make—whatever it is, use it as information about your true desires and map out a plan for how you can do it too.
There is enough for everyone. The Universe is abundant. When you believe this, you won't feel jealousy very often, if at all.
And everyone has what it takes inside them to live a life they want to live, to each his/her own in defining that. Success is relative.
Instead of hating on whoever you’re jealous of, ask them how they did it or got it and maybe they’ll teach you some stuff. Become their friend.
Women who are confident don’t spend their time hating other’s successes, they spend their time creating their own.
2. JEALOUSY REMINDS US TO FOCUS ON OURSELVES. The other jealousy reframe is to take it as a signal that you’ve gotten out of your lane. By that I mean—stop comparing and competing, and then inevitably despairing and resenting. (Plus, it’s a fact that harbored resentment breeds addiction relapse.) See jealousy as a nudge to stay in your own lane. You must water your own grass and tend to your own garden.
If you are constantly feeling jealous, it means you’re not taking time to cultivate and appreciate your own gifts & strengths.
And especially important—their compliment is not your insult.
Someone else getting a high compliment doesn't somehow mean that you’re inferior. It is mature (and beneficial to you) to acknowledge someone else’s great attributes without taking it to mean that your qualities aren't great too.
We need to celebrate, support, encourage, and lift one another up. Especially with our sisters. We all have different attributes and skills, which is why we really need eachother. One woman’s success is a success for all womankind.