August 2016

Learning about what Gary Chapman has termed "The 5 Love Languages" has revolutionized my life. When I started to understand, truly understand, that there are various ways to speak love, outside of saying "I love you," my relationships felt injected with pure hope. I began to adopt this much broader view of love and all of it's expressions.

We all know that knowledge is power. And this is information that anyone would benefit from because human beings are social beings and when the relationships in our lives are happy and healthy, we are likely to be happy and healthy. We thrive off loving relationships.

So there are 5 different languages of love, according to Gary Chapman. Oh, and it's worth noting that we all speak them all to some extent, however, there is most likely a top 1 or 2 that is most primary in our relationships.

The rundown is this:

1. Words of Affirmation: what is spoken or written means the most to these people.

2. Acts of Service: for these people, actions speak louder than words.

3. Receiving Gifts: giving and getting gifts make them feel most loved.

4. Quality Time: all about undivided attention and presence.

5. Physical Touch: to this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.

If you want to take the quiz to see what you're most fluent in, you can do so right here.

I myself have always been pretty dominant in Words of Affirmation, spoken or written. That's how I seem to truly receive love, as long as the words are genuine. As I've matured, I have felt less of a need to hear or read "i love you" and more of a need to see it in their actions and their energy toward me. Particularly if they are saying they love me, but not acting like it, then their words mean very little.

The way I give love is probably more through affirming words, undivided attention, and gifts. But this ebbs and flows based on the nature of the specific relationship I'm talking about.

Knowing your love language is very valuable and useful information, especially in romantic relationships. I hear women sometimes say that their boyfriend/husband doesn't spend a lot of time with them, but maybe they mow the lawn, fix something broken, change their car oil--so the boyfriend/husband is displaying his love through acts of service. Therefore, knowing that he speaks his love through service will avoid hurt feelings, resentments, anger, and fights in the short-run and the long-run.

It is also especially helpful in child-parent relationships. To know how your child best receives love and then to adjust accordingly could potentially make a world of difference for the child. Some kids respond to hearing the words, some like thoughtful & sentimental cards, some like lots of hugs and forehead kisses, some like help with a practical task or rides to the airport, some like small or large gifts, etc.

I ask all my coaching clients on their intake questionnaire what their love language is for receiving love and what it is for giving love. This really helps me to understand them and tells me how I can best show my love for them in the client-coach partnership. When people feel loved, they bloom.

If you're not receiving the kind of love you need, I would encourage you to communicate that in your relationship. Tell the other party, "Hey, I feel very loved or like it when you..." and then ask them how they feel loved. If both parties are willing to adjust their love styles, you can expect an upgrade in your relationship.

On the flipside, sometimes you may have to accept the love you're getting even if it's not how you'd like it to be presented. If the other person speaks in gifts, and you receive in physical touch, but they are not capable of giving hugs, or whatever, even after you've had a conversation about it, then it would be in your best interest to trust that you are loved and that they are showing you the best way they can. The caveat being that it also depends on who it is. If it's a significant other, that might be a dealbreaker, but if it's a sibling, parent, or friend, it might be more acceptable.

I stumbled upon this quote on the internet and it was definitely an a-ha lightbulb moment of newfound awareness. I tried to find the original source, and couldn't, so for now we'll attribute it to an anonymous lightworker:

It's just so damn true. There are a million different ways. So look out for how someone might be showing you their love and dare to get creative in expressing your love to them.

What's your love language? Tell me in the comments.

The 5 Love Languages and How They Apply