3 Ways to Ace Sober Small Talk

June 2016

The only thing worse than small talk is sober small talk. The only thing worse than sober small talk is sober small talk while trapped in a packed elevator. 

I'm not even really exaggerating. Small talk, in any variation, has been the bane of my existence on numerous occasions. However, it turns out learning how to converse in a group setting is a necessary part of adulting in the real world. Especially to partake in "networking"--the business equivalent of small talk. 

I'm so far from mastering this fine art, and I still don't really like it, but some days I find it slightly less insufferable than other days. One of the fears inherent in small talk is not having anything to talk about or not knowing what to talk about. 

I found some things that work in a variety of situations--even for the soberest, most introverted & socially anxious little wallflower among us. (Like me, exhibit A)

1. DO A BIT OF PREP

I'm kind of terrible about knowing the details of current events. I usually relay news stories inaccurately too. I tend to know a lot about a few of my interests as opposed to a little about everything. I'm somewhat void of what people consider "common knowledge" and deliberately do not watch the news. I don't even know how to watch sports games (except tennis). I just haven't taken the time because it doesn't really interest me. 

I do know my local baseball team is the Washington Nationals, football is Redskins, and hockey is Capitals. And I think they all have reddish uniforms. That's the extent of what I know about this popular topic of conversation. Even with this limited knowledge, I make an effort to run through the basics in preparation when I know I'm going to be at a cocktail party or shindig of some sort. When in doubt, I also just ask lots of questions. Generally people love to talk, and if you let them, they will. 

Have some go-to questions in mind when meeting new people. Carry an index card in your purse or pocket if you need to. It varies by social context, but you can always ask people where they're from or where they grew up. Offer up something about yourself that's a little different & interesting to keep the conversation afloat when it comes to a lull. If you feel like being weird and like you might be in the company of another weirdo, ask what their biggest dreams & fears are, or something like that. Other conversation starters/sometimes enders and icebreakers (besides inquiring about their day job or college alma mater) include: Do you have any pets, what's the craziest thing you've ever done, what's your zodiac sign, what one place would you love to travel to & why, what's your favorite book or movie?

I recently signed up at TheSkimm, which delivers me the Sparknotes version of the breaking news and current events. This is an excellent thing to read prior to going to a social gathering where you need to at least give off the impression like you know what's going on in the world. 

2. HAVE EXIT STRATEGIES

Even with the best prep and the best intentions, you'll get stuck in a convo. you don't wanna be in, or find yourself without a drink, or both at the same time. Always scan the room and know where drink refills are located (sober peeps--especially important for you to keep the H20 or mocktail streaming because small talk is intensely dehydrating. So are shopping malls.) Also take mental note of the restroom location. Practice how to excuse yourself from a conversation politely and seamlessly because you'll need to take breaks and regroup. Don't they call it a "restroom" so that you can go and take a few minutes of rest in there? That's what I do. 

Also, you don't need to stay to the end or outstay a welcome. You can leave when you've reached your limit for social interaction. It doesn't benefit you or anyone else to stay once you're done. It's all good. 

3. BREATHE & KEEP INNER DIALOGUE NICE 

Socially anxious folk: remember to breathe, remember to be kind to yourself & remember that everyone wants to be liked and heard and accepted. Most everyone has things that they're self-conscious of and you would just never know it. Appearances are deceiving, especially social masks. Follow 2 of The Four Agreements: 1. Don't take anything personally and 2. Don't make assumptions. A great way to get out of your own head is to focus on the other person and be genuinely interested in what they have to say. When you need a breather, take a breather. 

Socially anxious sober folk: The brain chatter that usually disappears with a drink is going to actually be there, but you have the power to quiet it down yourself. Arrive to the event as centered as possible by having some time to yourself beforehand (i.e. quick meditation/quiet time, listening to happy music on the drive/walk/ride over or listening to a motivational tape, etc.) Stay present with your breath. 

I find it interesting that many people, including those in recovery, don't know if they are introverted or extroverted. It's a vital piece of information. Not to add another label, but just to understand your temperament & how you lose and gain energy. While possessing qualities of both, we usually lean more toward one side. Many with addictive pasts assume they are extroverted because they loved to party, only to realize in sobriety that they tend more toward introversion. I tend more toward introversion. It's a difference in energy expenditure--introverts replenish their energy by spending time alone and extroverts do so by spending time with people. This is why parties can feel draining to the introvert--it literally can deplete their energy stores.  

I recently psyched myself up for a social situation by getting my mindset in a good place before I walked in. It helped immensely. I then did not engage in negative self-talk when I felt kinda insecure a few times. I can be awkward and I laugh it off now. But I still couldn't wait to get home, outta my stockings, and into my jammies. I can accept that big social scenes are not my absolute favorite thing, and still stay open to having an enjoyable time while I'm there while also being excited that it's gonna end.

I can let myself be who I am. Exactly enough.