January 2016

Whenever I used to hear that buzzword referred to as "self-love," I would kind of roll my eyes. Sometimes blatantly, sometimes only internally.

Where on earth does one get this self-love you speak of? I thought to myself. Can I get it at the store? Is it something I can order off Amazon with free prime shipping?

People always tell us about how we MUST love ourselves, but noone ever tells us exactly HOW. We hear that self-love is oh so important, and necessary prior to healthy relationships, but where are the instructions? Where is the college course called self-love 101?

Allow me to define what self-love is, as I understand it. It is a deep love, care, and respect for the self. An unconditional positive regard for the self and how human we are. It is not conceited, vain, or self-centered to love yourself. It's quite the opposite: loving yourself is a birthright and also an act of service to the world. But how does one love thyself? Well--the short answer is: by. one. loving. thought. at. a. time.

When I began my recovery journey in 2011, I did not realize that I'd be learning all about the ways in which self-loving people conduct their lives, and over time I'd become one of them.

At first, the concept still nauseated me so instead of focusing on self-love directly, I started with contrary action by just working to not hate myself. I don't think I truly hated myself, but I knew that I didn't love myself. It's virtually impossible to be self-destructive if you are at peace with yourself and I was abusing my body on a daily basis through all sorts of addictions & waging a solo war against myself in my head. There's no way I LIKED myself, let alone LOVED myself. So for a long time, I acted the part before I felt the part. This can be a very powerful technique--to act as if. Even though I had no clue how to treat myself with love and care, I took right actions that suggested that I did, and eventually, my mind caught up.

I started trying new behaviors on and entertaining ideas that perhaps I could be kind to myself. It was okay to treat myself kindly, just as I would treat a loved one. Treat others as you'd like to be treated, yes. But also the Golden Rule in reverse: treat yourself as you'd like others to treat you. Things began to shift with this mentality, and I grew into this new person, a person who cared a lot about herself.

There's no way to escape the work of self-love, if we want to live at peace with ourselves and others. Noone is exempt from this work. Even if we have people in our lives who love us, we still have to give love to ourselves and talk nicely to ourselves. Because all the love in the world from others still won't be enough for someone who has a self-love deficit.

We are born with self-love, and then we learn fear as we grow up. We learn to fear our power and doubt our abilities, and some of us learn to neglect, abuse, and hate ourselves, our bodies. So much so that we participate in destroying ourselves. A lot of us learn negative self-talk which is equally destructive. But no matter how we got this way, it remains our choice whether we choose to heal and be kind to ourselves, from this day forward.

One of the ways I choose to heal is pretty simple. I keep one of my favorite baby pictures on my dresser mirror. I don't look at it every day cause sometimes I forget. But I know it's there. And I think about the picture, the little girl in the picture, and that the little girl is still me. My little inner child. We all have one. Every adult was once a newborn, an infant, a toddler, a kid, etc. Every adult has a child inside. It sounds silly at first. But when I think about engaging in a behavior that's not good for me, and could be construed as non self-loving, I think about how I'm hurting little Sasha. Little 2-year old Sasha or 6-month old Sasha, who is innocent and pure of heart and all she wants is to be treated with kindness, respect, and honor. So I honor and respect her instead. On a very fundamental & intuitive level, when we remember our child within, it deters us from treating him or her badly. It deters us from calling ourselves dumb or ugly or fat or worthless. Because what we are doing to ourselves, we are, in essence, doing to our inner children.

I've compiled a list of self-loving and non self-loving behaviors that is by no means exhaustive, but more as a frame of reference:

Some self-loving behaviors:

going to bed when you're tired
eating when you're hungry
stopping eating when you're full
having quiet time or meditating ("adult time-outs")
expressing your feelings
thinking constructive, affirming thoughts
accepting a compliment without arguing or making a joke (a simple Thank You will suffice)
asking for your needs to be met (without profusely apologizing)
saying no when you mean no, without guilt-tripping yourself
saying yes when you genuinely want to say yes
allowing good things to happen without sabotaging them
treating yourself with respect, and keeping the company of others who do the same
making your health the first priority
befriending yourself and saying only affirming statements in the mirror
exercising your body, feeding your spirit, tending to your mind
having boundaries with others, especially negative people

Some NON self-loving behaviors:

people-pleasing (self-betrayal)
staying up when you're exhausted
eating more when you're extremely full
not eating when you're hungry
abusing drugs, alcohol, food, or any other substance (self-abandonment)
not allowing yourself to feel your feelings
beating yourself up for your humanity ("I left the stove on--I'm SUCH a dumbass")
being self-deprecating in any manner
denying yourself feelings of anger or sadness cause they "shouldn't" be there
using the word "should" almost in any context
pushing yourself too hard at the gym
tolerating any level of abuse from others
not sleeping longer if you can and need to

Homework: Dig up a favorite baby picture and tape it to your mirror. See what happens. Here is mine: 9-month old beach baby Sasha:

Can you share with me your favorite ways to be self-loving AND/OR ways that let you know you're not being self-loving? I'm always open to hearing new ones.

SELF-LOVE: what it is and how to do it