April 2016

What I didn't realize I would learn in recovery is what constitutes a healthy relationship. I almost titled this post "Relationshits" because they are hard as shit. Being in recovery, I learned the terms codependent and bullshit co-signers and love addiction and boundaries.

My sordid past includes relationships with men that were quite unhealthy. Ones that were highly codependent and lacked simple boundaries. I essentially attracted what I was: sick and lost. I spotted the guy who would "co-sign" my bullshit cause I would co-sign his. I found guys that needed someone to worship them. Worship I did. I pedestaled my boyfriends and love interests to a dysfunctional degree. I turned them into my Higher Power and gave away all my power in the process. I wasn't even aware this was my pattern until I got sober and it was still in my "blind spot" for a little while after that.

I people-pleased my way through life because I had no idea who I was and I suppose it was much safer to get lost in other people. Boundaries were fuzzy and foreign to me; I didn't know where I ended and other people started. I didn't really know where I was going or what I wanted so it was just easier to latch on and do whatever it was that people wanted me to do. Not just with boyfriends, with all people. I had "enthusiastic self-starter who aims to please" as a strength on my resume for years. Somewhere along the way I took it upon myself to be everybody's everything and make people around me happy at the cost of my own happiness. This made me a puppet of sorts, at the mercy of the whims of anyone around.

You know the standard example of the couple who's deciding on a restaurant for dinner:

"Where do you wanna go to eat?", he says.

"I don't know honey, wherever you wanna go," she replies.

Except that interaction was my whole life, with all people, in every situation.

I felt it was my job to make people happy. I deferred to the wants and needs of others over mine because a.) I didn't know what mine were and b.) I didn't have much self-esteem to realize it was okay to figure it out. "No" was not a word I knew how to say. And it satisfied my ego to have people generally "like" me. I usually never disagreed or caused conflict or made waves and this allowed me to control your likely favorable opinion of me. How could it not be favorable? I was sickly sweet. My sense of self hinged on whether others liked me. If they didn't like me, well, then, maybe I didn't deserve to be.

At 15, I started collecting quotes and keeping notebooks filled with them. Written on the inside cover of my first ever quote book was a quote I made up, "You can't be everything to everyone and still be something to yourself." Teenage Sasha knew she was a people-pleaser and that she had nothing leftover for herself, but she didn't know how to stop.

Well eventually I did learn how to stop people-pleasing and pedestaling. I did it by building a solid foundation of Home within myself. By creating an unshakeable sense of self that no longer felt the need to lose it in others. I know who I am now. I have an identity, a strong one. I don't hand my power over, I keep it with me.

I don't need any boyfriend to hide behind like a little girl behind her parent's knees. I state my opinions with conviction, generally look people in the eye, and quit apologizing for simply existing. I realized people-pleasing is an elaborate form of self-betrayal and I didn't want to betray myself anymore.

I don't put men high up on a pedestal. I view them as human, just like me. As a lovely byproduct of this, my expectations have recalibrated and I can avoid the disappointment that results from unmet/unrealistic/perfectionistic expectations. I don't expect the perfection that would come from someone who sits on a golden throne; I expect the fallibility that comes with being human.

I've heard it said before that AA is like college and Alanon or ACOA is like grad school. I qualify and attend all three 12-step meetings and they've helped me reach many of these conclusions. I think they worked for me because they gave me structure, community, perspective, a safe place to explore, and a continuous opportunity to not only listen to others, but hear their messages. On a very fundamental level, they are like humanities classes to me.

It was a revelation to me that, as I learned in my classes, I could resign as pleaser of the Universe. Now I say yes when I mean yes and no when I want to say no. Talk about une MIRACLE. That inauthentic, sickly sweet girl is an authentic, sweet woman.

I'm now in tune with my intuition to the point where I have a felt sense of yes and no. My intuitive heart tells me first, and then my mind chooses to follow suit. I revert back occasionally to my people-pleasing ways, as old long-held patterns are like deep grooves in the psyche, but I know right away, cause it feels like shit. My rule of thumb is to see how I feel after I say "yes" or "no." My body usually lets me know if it was the right response.

Relationships 101: People-Pleasing and Pedestaling